Friday, July 09, 2010

A Pink Slip from New Gujarat

Joel Stein believes he knows why India is so poor. And I know exactly why British humor was always preferred over American – at least in the intelligent, educated world.

It is no news that Americans, especially the white ones, are fairly thick - sometimes in skin, mostly in built & almost always in brains. It couldn’t have been otherwise, going by the history & pedigree of the white American settlers. I mean no happily established & handsomely earning, intelligent individual would ever desire to leave shores for a distant land and settle amongst a bunch of tribes they mistakenly called Indians. That’s exactly what their forefathers did – either got kicked on their bottoms out of their homeland or left owing to their utter incompetence to earn a living in civilized Europe. No wonder then that such limited intellect would cause humor capable of making only lesser beings laugh, if at all. Joel’s fellow Jew Gwenyth Paltrow once infamously spoke of that in the open – of the limited capabilities of American intellect when compared to Brits.

This immigration thing has taken epic proportions ever since a bunch of religious fanatics flew a couple of aircrafts through the middle of a busy New York street and crashed them (guess accidentally) on a tall building that housed half the Jewish wealth in the world. Americans were extremely disturbed – with their legendary intellectual limitation, it took them a couple of months to realize that it was a bunch of high school dropouts from obscure (developing?!!) nations that crashed their much-touted Financial & Defense headquarters like a pack of cards.

So what? stop immigration! Let not one Asian mosquito come in through the portals of JFK. After all, the Latinos down south are better – they only do drugs and small burglary. They will never fancy flying planes through your underwear.

So everyone started talking against immigration - quite oblivious of the fact that their forefathers had themselves once migrated from across the world to US of A. They came in shiploads from across Europe and shot the locals out of their habitat. Soon, some other very scrupulous folks from the southern tip of the European continent (known widely for their racial strengths in Burglary, Piracy & lately football) started picking up Africans at gunpoint and smuggling them as Slave Laborers in the New Land of the Free. Immigration wasn’t a problem then, so more of these were welcome. These slaves could till the land, work on cotton gins and (for god’s sake) do brilliant music on Saturdays – stuff their white masters cannot till date - with the solitary exception of one Mr. Eric Clapton.

So the lazy and slow-witted white masters started getting richer and sat sipping their treasured cup of Tea (best made in India) till one day His Majesty decided to impose some Taxes on these settlers. This enraged the forefathers of America. They could smell peril in the air – the danger of being relegated to the life & challenges of a second class citizen. The life they lived back home and the only one they deserved by merit, yet the one they had managed to escape by the dint of a lengthy sail across the Atlantic. The fear itself was enough to make them Stomach-sick.

The forefathres revolted. They won’t pay these silly taxes and accept His Majesty’s claim to their land. (Beg your pardon - the Land of the Indians that they had now started calling their Own Private America or even fancy stuff like New England). His Majesty wouldn’t relent either – especially since he was known the world over for the cunning of his parliamentarians. He made things more difficult for these folks by making Tea much cheaper with a condition of a Token tax amount.

It was now common economic sense versus obstinate stupidity - and without a moment of hesitation, the Americans chose the latter.

Having chosen to act against the Regency, the early Americans needed opportunity. Soon enough, one presented itself in the Boston Harbor where three shiploads of Tea lay anchored, waiting to be carted in to warehouses. The migrant white masters now decided to storm the harbor (probably with an intention to make some quick bucks by holding these ships to ransom). However, courage fell short at ground zero and the Revolutionaries couldn’t master enough of it to present themselves to the Royal Customs officials & Naval Authorities stationed in the Harbor. So, in their unfailing zeal to liberate America, they dressed up as Indians (!!) and descended slowly on the harbor to grab control of the Ships – eventually offloading the cargo into the Sea!

Hurrah! What a way to liberate your beloved country – true subterranean style!!

We Indians fought and liberated our country from the same British authorities. But we never needed a disguise. We fought as Indians - not as Zulus or Masai, for god’s sake. Liberating a country is not a subject matter of bunny rabbits - it needs a significant amount of strength, courage & dedication.

I can understand & appreciate the Jewish eagerness to call a place his own. Such things happen when you don’t have a homeland of your own and have been led by your leaders halfway across the world since pre-history. When you know you are a migrant anywhere in the world, it’s a tad difficult to accept. However, that insecurity is not to be overcome by calling others what you yourself are – that’s outright silly. And to judge humans by their gods – spare me!

Remember, 3 of our Poor Indian commandos died trying to save a Chabad House & its priests from Militants in Mumbai – they would have prayed to that same Elephant nosed God just before they entered your sacred premises to cleanse it of inhuman terror. It’s not gods that make humans, it’s the other way round. While these Poor Indian boys bled to death trying to protect a migrant Jewish establishment in the heart of Mumbai, the government of Israel was busy trying to strike a deal with terrorists holed up in a nearby Luxury hotel – chat transcripts are available in Public domain, if you needed.

Wake Up Joel. We have just bought some houses in Edison – we haven’t started calling it New Gujarat or some such yet. But chances are we would soon, if you don’t go to school and better your intellect as Mr. Obama would want you to.

And HE IS a descendant of a migrant laborer – so he knows where exactly it hurts.

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Blogger Raj said...

A fairly decent repartee, a lot jovial too (unlike the whining Joel), to scrub clean Stein's stain. Nice one, shubho!

4:58 PM  
Blogger Oreen said...

i thought i would write in support of Joel in my blog, but because you have already started with this reply, let me write my feelings here.

just one question:

how many Indians in India can you personally stand?

I for myself, can't stand most of them. The soldiers, the freedom fighters you name here are just a handful, and probably constitute less than 1% of our population.

We are a bunch of many races bound together politically, so each race is different and has some generic characteristics. We have hated the Marwaris for coming to Bengal and ruining our social and moral fiber...and our feelings were much like Joel's when we experienced all that; the Assamese have hated Bengalis for being stuck up and not learning to respect other Indians; the geographically challenged Marathis have thrown out Biharis from the west back to their eastern state by calling them North Indians; the south Indian states are surprised at this because they always considered even Marathis North Indians. The real North Indians, Kashmiris, are busy fighting our Army; the south Indian states are themselves divided by languages, ethnicity, caste divisions, and religion.

I hate most Indians myself and if I ever get a chance to go abroad, I would want to go to a place devoid of Indians, maybe Finland?

Poor Joel Stein. He was persecuted all these days for being Jewish by the Protestant whites. He doesn't have a land to call his own and thought America was the homeland for the homeless.

And now when he comes what he calls his home, he can see his land invaded by and infested with the very people we Indians ourselves love to hate. No wonder he forgot his humor.

I can't not agree with him. In fact, I am ready to shed a tear for his plight.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Puzzled Private said...

Finland (owing to Nokia's offshore strategy) is already stuffed with Indians.. you need to think of something even remote.. maybe Tahiti.. or Burkina Faso!

As for Indians - they are no less obnoxious than Americans! and that, precisely, was my point.. where is the trouble then?

8:27 PM  

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